Ask VMW: We are moving & our child is EFMP

I get this question or a variant of it about every few months.  I know it weighs heavily, especially on moms.  I don't know if I can help but here goes.

The question:

"My husband got orders for Germany.  They are for 36 months which I understand includes dependents. We are very happy because we wanted to go to Germany. On the other hand, once I started reading about the command sponsorship I became very concerned with the idea of us not being able to go. Our oldest son is enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). My first concern was if they have the special need resources at the school over there.  My question is, do you have a self-contained room for special ed? Do you know what happens if you don't have the services my son requires? Do they just cancel the orders, change them or they just send my husband alone for those 36 months?"

My response:

Please take a deep breath....and step back a bit.  I applaud you for taking the time to research your new duty station! I wish more wives would take the time to do this.

Now....the EFMP screening which you and your family will do, will determine if there are services for your son available at your husband's projected new duty station.  Right now, your husband only has assignment instructions....orders for his actual duty station will be cut (made) locally, once he and his family meets all the requirements, the most important being EFMP screening.

I can obviously not tell you what the doctors and administrators at this screening will say...you'll be in a room with a few doctors and administrators with your health records...they will also ask you questions.  I personally do not know if your projected duty station in Germany is equipped to handle your son's disability, and the American Disabilities Act requires that disabled students be integrated into the classroom as much as possible...this is not just military-wide but US wide.  There are some students with dedicated para-educators who are with them at EVERY moment of the school day.  They may take some small group or individualized instruction in the special education room/facilities and as their disability allows, be integrated throughout the day in the mainstream classrooms with a para-educator by their side, if needed.

If for some reason, the staff at the EFMP screening determines there will not be sufficient services for your son in this duty location (I have no way of knowing), then your husband's assignment instructions will be rescinded and others will be issued for another location.  I don't know if he'll be given the opportunity for an unaccompanied tour (2 years) either.  This will in no way hurt his career.  That is one of the reasons why the EFMP system was developed.

Please don't worry too much about this, as right now, there is really nothing you can do about this process that all overseas bound families must go through.  You can try to see if there are other wives on the Army Wives Forum and ask if anyone is in EFMP in your projected area.  There are many wives on that forum who are overseas. 

Unfortunately, many of the Army hospitals and posts have closed in Germany. The only REAL hospital is up in Landstuhl...the closest Army base or collection of bases would be in Kaiserslautern, still a very big military community. Ramstein Air Base is also nearby. The rest of the bases and posts, both AF and Army rely on US military health clinics and off-post care on the economy.  German healthcare is very comparable to ours and in many ways more advanced, so no worries there.  Yes, sometimes there are language barriers, but for the most part, many doctors and some staff do speak some English.

Good luck to you!

An Open Letter to AAFES Overseas

If I knew that someone at AAFES was going to read AND act on this letter, this is what I would write.

"Dear AAFES,

I have just come from my local PX in Belgium.  I live 30 minutes from the PX and do not travel there too often, but this is the fifth time in a month I have gone to the PX looking for simple paper to put in my computer printer.  This is the same HP printer that I used to try to buy ink for at the PX until I realized it would probably be weeks before I saw replacement ink for it.  Those shelves were routinely empty as well.  Back to the paper...keep in mind that the PX is the only local source of computer paper, as the local Belgian source only sells European-sized paper, which is about an inch or so longer than US computer paper.  This would create an extra step for me in using Belgian paper, as it would hang out of my binders either on the top or bottom, forcing me to cut that part off (I do like to be neat).

I see that your shelves were totally empty of ALL computer paper, the first four times I visited your facility.  The fifth time, there was a small ream of high quality thick HP paper, which costs almost twice what regular paper costs.  Since I had truly run out of paper at this point, I was forced to buy it or deal with the consequences of my children going on a homework strike.  I should've ordered it from the US you say?  Do you know how much paper weighs?  I guess this is also an option if I don't mind shelling out more money.

The truth is, I believe the PX should be overseas to support us....not make our lives more difficult or more expensive than shopping off-post on the economy or even through mail order.  I don't know who your overseas PX buyer is, but they apparently have not grasped that there are certain STAPLES that EVERYONE goes through in high volumes, printer paper being one of them....printer ink being another.  I won't even go into the other items that are routinely needed, as these are also items AAFES should be tracking for low quantities and should be ordering well ahead so the shelves are stocked.

If Walmart HQ can tell themselves how many bottles of water they have on the shelves of X stores right before Hurricane Katrina (and after I may add), then the PX should be able to handle the basic technology that would keep their stores stocked of staples.  If the stocker person who does the ordering has no clue what staples we need, what about a suggestion box in the front of every overseas PX, allowing customers to let AAFES know which staples they'd like to see on a regular basis?  It seems the commissary does a better job of this.  Maybe the PX guy can talk to the commissary guy and share notes.

Signed,
A Disgruntled AAFES Customer"

I for one would love to hear what AAFES has to say about this issue? I know having AAFES overseas is a privilege and not a right....I got that...but still.....your thoughts on this?

Free flight back to the US - COT Travel

So, I always knew that if you have back-to-back overseas tours...whether it's Germany/Germany, Germany/Belgium, Korea/Germany (seems to be a lot of that lately)...or whatever, you "earn" a free trip back to the US....to your military spouse's home of record.  This just means that the flight has a dollar amount attached to it, back to the home of record, and you can go anywhere in the US for free, as long as it's cheaper than that dollar amount (well, not free...the government pays for it).  If not, you pay out of pocket the amount ABOVE what you are authorized.  So why am I blogging about it?  One...what a pain in the rear to get the paperwork done (be persistent) and also just to let you know it's even available to you.  How do you know you are authorized this free travel for you, your military husband and the rest of your dependents, ie kids?


Look at your military spouse's orders assigning you to your new duty station.  There should be a line in there saying you, the dependents, are authorized COT (Consecutive Overseas Tour) travel.  If you PCSed (moved) from one overseas location to another, you are authorized this travel.  Once you've got those orders in hand, your military spouse then needs to take those orders to his personnel office to initiate the paperwork.  For us, that meant he had to go to three different offices...you know, NATO, no one knows who they really fall under administratively...which is sometimes different from who your boss is....then, when you nail that down, you can actually get the paperwork filled out and turned in.  Then you wait about three weeks and get notified that it came back approved.  My husband got his paperwork, which was indeed another set of orders approving COT travel, via email.

I printed the thing out, then went to our local SATO office...where you can book official and leisure travel.  For our area, it is located in an obscure location on Chievres, next to the PXextra, in a little hole-in-the-wall place.  The ladies in there can then check flights for you.  Our cap, per person, ended up being just over $1000, so we were limited....when did flights get so expensive?  I haven't been back to the US in four years....golly gee!  I almost had to go to Chicago to go back to the East Coast...but instead, ended up going through JFK, which I don't like either, to get to where I'm going.  Forget direct flights, even though my destination is a major East Coast hub...go figure...never just simple, is it?  BTW, SATO at Chievres told me they are now getting some nice last minute deals, so check their specials website.

So, the lady did say if I change my mind about wanting to go to Newark, she can get me through there....great, why would I ever choose to go through there...isn't JFK bad enough?  They don't actually ticket you...which will be an electronic ticket eventually...until the month you leave, so changes can be made up til then.  I know they have government rates and such available to them....but I would still think, when the seats are gone, they are gone....so reserving earlier would be better I would think.

Well, that's the first part of my adventure.  I'll have to blog about the second part...when we actually go....still a long ways off.  You have a year BTW to take advantage of this travel I was told (but I read that Congress upped the amount of time to take it to the full however many years of your second tour)!

Ask VMW: Help, I am not on my husband's military orders...don't I get to come too?

I am catching up with some questions from readers.  Here is one that I've answered often through email, so I thought I would blog about it:

"Help, my husband just got orders to Germany and me and the kids are not on it!  I thought families could automatically go with their soldier to Germany?  We don't want to be left behind!  Please help!"

First....take a deep breath.  Not being on orders can be standard.  The first thing you need to find out is if your Army spouse is serving an accompanied tour (typically three years) or an unaccompanied tour (two years).  An accompanied tour means he is authorized to bring his family with him on the government's dime...meaning, the Army will fly them all over, and they'll get supported over there with special passports authorizing them to stay beyond the traditional tourist 90 days (a SOFA stamped passport) and of course healthcare, schools and all the other support they'd normally get, same as if the servicemember was stationed in the US.

You and your children (the dependents) will get an EFMP screening.  This is a formality where medical professionals will look at your medical records and also interview you to see if you have any special medical needs.  PLEASE do this as soon as your military member finds out his new assignment, because without this screening, he will NOT get his orders!  The military want to make sure there are facilities near the new duty station (whether military or civilian) that can care for your medical problem.  Some things that come to mind are asthma, hearing loss, special physical therapy needs and other medical issues that may require special care.  Just because you or your dependents are enrolled in EFMP does not mean you cannot come along.  Germany is a very modern country with good healthcare facilities, so chances are high this will not be an issue for your family.

The first step for your spouse is to attend the levy briefing on his current post.  This is where he will learn how to ship his household goods, cars and all the other information he will need to move.  I suggest you go with him if you can....two sets of ears are always better than one.  On some posts, it is even a requirement for spouses to go too (as much as they can require...okay, highly encouraged then).  This briefing is given by your outgoing transportation office on your post.  The personnel people on your post will actually be "typing up" your spouse's orders, depending on what his assignment instructions coming down from the Department of the Army say (such as what unit he will be going to or if he will be going to a centralized location like a Replacement Detachment and then further assigned to a gaining unit AFTER arrival in country).  Remember that there may be beaucoup duty positions for a wheeled vehicle mechanice in the rank of Private or Specialist...not so many slots for let's say a Lieutenant Colonel in the Infantry...chances are the private will be sent to the Replacement Detachment in the country you are moving to, while the LTC has a pinpoint assignment of his exact duty station and job...that's just the way it is, the higher up in rank you go.  What goes on the orders also depends on which overseas duty location your spouse will be stationed in.  Some duty stations have longer waiting lists for housing, so orders are automatically noted as "non-concurrent travel" for dependents, meaning the military spouse travels first, then the spouse and children later.  This is done to save the military money and when you think about it, it may be cheaper and less stressful for you too.

When deciding whether to travel with your spouse, take these points into account, and if they don't cause extra financial hardship or stress for you, then go for it!  Otherwise, you may be better off waiting until your military spouse is settled and has housing.

• Many times, there is no hotel or lodging on post/base, and you'll be staying at some civilian establishment.  Typically, your sponsor will guide you into where you should make a reservation or will do it for you.  You'll get travel pay to cover food and lodging, but that does not mean you can stay at the fanciest places and eat out for every meal (don't laugh...I've seen it done).  Know what your cap is ahead of time per day versus what it will cost for hotel and estimated food for you and your family...it'll be rank dependent.  Many overseas hotels have favorable government rates.  Read reviews on Trip Advisor and Booking.com.  See what other hotels are available in the area.  See how far they are from the post.  Walking distance?  Bus/metro routes?  Free breakfast or other freebies, like parking (if you get a rental car), amenities, etc.  The more they throw into the room price, the more travel money is left over for you.
• Do you have children?  Can you get adjoining rooms, ie two rooms?  Are there bathtubs (my kids like baths)?  Many European business hotels only have showerstalls.  Will you PCS during the summer during school break?  If not, do you have a plan to get them registered into school quickly?  Which school (if there is more than one US Department of Defense school)?  Is there busing from the hotel?  Will your child be able to change schools if your eventual home is in another zone (Stuttgart has three different elementary schools, and they are all not the same quality unfortunately...just like anywhere else).  Is it easier for your children to stay where they are now, especially if family is nearby?  Can they handle the change of moving multiple times from hotels to a home when you find it with sometimes temporary housing in between? 
• How will your pets handle being in a hotel for a longer timeframe?  Plan in being in a hotel for one to three months.  Sometimes, you can get temporary housing, which is basically apartment living, until you find a house or onpost housing is available.  You'd have temporary furniture and live there in the interim.  It all depends on what is available at the post when your husband signs in.  You'll get on the housing list as soon as he inprocesses after arrival....no earlier.  Is your dog a barker?  Is he not house broken or does he not do well under stress?  Even though European countries are very pet friendly, there are going to be times you can't take him along.  Will he be okay in his crate?  Is he crate trained?  Will he bark and growl at the cleaning staff?  Make sure you let your sponsor know you have a pet and make sure your lodging accepts pets and is tolerant of possible pet problems.  The Marriott in Sindelfingen, Germany (Stuttgart area) is one of the better places in Stuttgart to go if you have pets.
• Find out if your hotel has a microwave or a refrigerator.  Our last PCS hotel had a refrigerator that was barely cold, so no milk storage.  We also did not have a microwave, so we ate out alot, plus a lot of sandwiches.  Read my post here about being creative on a budget when it comes to mealtime.
• As long as you don't eat out every night, most people can make some money on their travel pay.....meaning, they give out less money than the Army pays them for travel expenses.  The average cost of a good restaurant meal in Germany, per person is anywhere from 15-20 euro, which includes drinks.
• Are you going to spring for a rental car to get you around?  The Army does not pay for a rental car, so ship your car from stateside....early, to get it sooner rather than later.  Rental car = more money going out.  Who will have the car most days?  Your spouse or you?
• Your spouse will most likely have to inprocess and also spend time at work.  You'll spend a lot of time bored (if you let yourself be) and alone.  Are you a self-starter enough that you can keep yourself busy?  Are you brave enough to at least venture out on your own?  If you choose to stay in the hotel, will you go stir crazy after days on end?  What about your children?  Hopefully, your spouse has a good sponsor, whose wife will come get you now and again.  Or, perhaps the Family Readiness Group is established enough to welcome newcomers and give a helping hand. We gave out welcome kits and visited the new spouse as soon as possible.  I think the Air Force even has folks (the sponsor or their version of the Family Readiness Group) who will fill your lodging refrigerator for you!  How about that!

With all that being said, I think it totally depends on your personality and how independent you are, whether you travel with your military spouse or not.  Just be well informed and make the best decision you can make for your particular family.  If you're worried about flying with multiple children and pets, many times, the spouse can take off work to come back to the US to help you fly over.  I've flown over with two babies on my own...but my personality was able to handle that.  You have to know yourself what you are capable of and use the power of positive thinking while you're at it!  What other advice would you add?

Getting Stationed Overseas?

One of my favorite shops in Berlin

Congratulations on your upcoming assignment!  I bet you immediately had dreams of Paris, Rome...and everywhere in between!  Here are a few quick tips to get you thinking and mentally prepared for what's ahead!

Just some things to think about if you have never lived overseas...in Europe (I can only speak for places I've lived in) :

Europe will not be the US, and it's best to not compare EVERYTHING.  Even I struggle with this and now living in Belgium, I struggle and want to compare everything to the very efficient Germany....stop it...each country has its own customs and flavors so to speak!

You may be required to live onpost, as some communities have plenty of on-post housing.  Just check and see, so you won't be disappointed or want to compare everything to the US again.  Many housing offices are online now.  For example, to get an idea of what the Stuttgart community has (and what is typical in Germany) visit this site.

Along with that last one, know what your Overseas Housing Allowance is for your spouse's rank; that way you know what price range you should be looking at...the farther out, the cheaper it'll be (or if it's close by, be prepared for living in a little box!).

With that all being said, sometimes, as a first timer over here, it is easier living on post.  You won't have bills (other than cable tv, internet and phone).  Maintenance people will come fairly quickly if something goes wrong.  You have the security of living on-post and a close support network of neighbors.  Off post, especially if you do not speak the language can be challenging, and you have to be ready to work a little harder and spend a little more money.

European houses for the most part, do not have closets....so plan to buy some (either new, antique or used ones that you can sell when you leave again).  On post living is mostly what we call "stairwell living" or apartments, anywhere from 700-2000 square feet as the norm.  Some communities, such as Grafenwoehr and Vilseck have newer onpost duplex housing now.  You'll also see contracted housing off post as well.

Know the Euro currency...no one Euro bills, but one Euro and two Euro coins to which many Americans have trouble getting used to.

Fast driving and priority to the driver coming from the right.

Limited shopping hours; many times everything is closed on Sunday and some restaurants on Monday too.

If you purchase a vehicle with European specs, don't plan on taking it stateside, as it won't pass inspection and would need expensive upgrades.  Many have the military ship their American car over for free...and then buy a second hooptie or clunker they can get around town in and sell again when they leave.

For the most part, no doggie bags in restaurants.  I insist sometimes, and it's been interesting some of the butcher paper and other things waiters have brought out for me....I sometimes am a total American and bring a tupperware-type container!

Look at your household goods....you may not need it all over here...houses and apartments are typically smaller with chopped up rooms (not many with great rooms and high ceilings)....although, I have friends who have homes in both Germany and Belgium with two master suites, tons of bathrooms and six and seven bedrooms...but this is not the norm!  The military will pay to store items you designate as your "storage shipment".  I honestly could not tell you off the top of my head what is in my storage shipment, and I bet I'll get surprised when we finally go back stateside!

Make sure all the adults have valid stateside drivers' licenses or else you can't get one over here without paying for an expensive driving course.  If you have teenagers, get them their licenses if you can, before you move.

Depending on which country you are going to, contact the onpost driver's testing facility if you have a motorcycle, It is my understanding that without a valid stateside license, you can at least forget it in Belgium...not sure about Germany or the other duty stations.

Your fuel for your vehicle is a rationed item (and so is coffee and cigarettes...hard liquor too).  You'll get a ration card and can only get that amount every month.  For some reason, we get less fuel rations in Belgium than in Germany.  It depends here on the size of your vehicle/engine what you will get, and you only get fuel for one vehicle (if you have two, you have to share rations unless the other spouse works and can get extra rations).  Rationed fuel is priced less than what the posted price is...fuel is VERY expensive in Europe, and we should NEVER complain about our American prices!  In Belgium, our government has a deal to get our fuel from the Total gas station brand...in Germany, it's Esso...not sure of the others.  Of course you are always welcome to buy any fuel you want at any gas station on the economy at the same price the locals pay.

Stock up on some of your favorite non-perishable items, if you think you are going to miss them while over here.  The commissary does have some case lot sales now and then....and you can order from the US, but then you pay shipping....and European stores just don't sell the stuff in bulk like we do at Sam's Club or Costco.  I see there is one store here in Belgium doing it, Colyrut...but it is a shadow of our big box stores in the US.

You will find IKEA over here (just not in Southern Europe yet), so no need to stock up on that stuff, plus, the prices are comparable...they even have the same products.

Start learning some basic phrases of the local language.  It's always more polite to at least TRY to speak their language, and you'd be amazed at how the locals open up to you more if you at least try.

Most onpost housing has 110 and 220 volt outlets.  You can use American 110 volt appliances over here if your onpost housing has it OR you purchase transformers that you can scatter throughout your home and plug your stuff into.  To figure out if your transformer is heavy duty enough to plug in your appliance, you have to check the amps of your appliance (or multiple ones you plan to plug in) and make sure it doesn't exceed your max amps on your tranformer...they come in different sizes of course...higher amps means they are more expensive.  It's best to get second hand ones at your thrift shop rather than the PX, although the PX does sell fuses for transformers if you blow one out.

Only GSM cell phones will work over here...many American cell phones are different technology. Read up on that.  Most Americans do the prepaid phones over here to save money.  Contracts are hard to get out of, and if you lose your contract phone....you will pay through the nose!

Be sure to read my other tips and to read my moving articles on this blog.  Do you have anything to add?

Hidden in the back hallway

I rarely talk about my hubby...he likes to stay low-key...but then again, he's an overachiever too.  So, in the back hallway, where we parked some bookcases before you go up into the attic, he's stashed his military coin collection, if I can call it that.  You know the one...the oodles of coins of all shapes and sizes that most men will put into a display case...or two....to be proud of.  You see what my husband's looks like?  I mean...these are supposed to be special.  Something given to you by "an important person or organization" as an atta-boy or a pat on the back for a job well done.  My goodness, some of these are even numbered!  That means the general, or in one case, the Secretary of State handed it out...and somewhere (his aide probably) maintains a list of who got each coin...yes, they really do that.  If they are supposed to be this treasured, then why are they sitting in a jumbled mess?


I'm sure most military servicemembers have at least a few of these.  Hey, even as a spouse at my USO job stint, I got coined.  How does your servicemember display his or her coins?  Aren't they supposed to be carrying one in their wallet and if anyone should call them on it...they'd better have it?  But for the rest....I'm thinking at this point...a large jar will do?  Has anyone put theirs in a jar or manly vase?  Or does that devalue the stuff?....at least mentally...anyway, if anyone has any nice ideas, please send them this way!

What's so awesome about being part of the NATO crowd?

I still remember when my husband told me that his next assignment would be a NATO assignment.  I had visions of us going to unit events with everyone laughing, dancing and singing kumbaya or attending embassy-like parties like they used to have in "the old days", pre 1990 (I am REALLY dating myself)!  Now that I've been here a few months, has it really been that way?

Not exactly....but things have certainly been interesting...and aren't too far off from that ideal:

Every month I can go to a spouse's luncheon hosted by a different nationality...this  month....Germany...with authentic food, fun and entertainment.

I can now say basic phrases in five different languages and make gestures in three.

Seeing a soldier with stars on his rank does not mean he is a general.  You should see all the different combinations and colors of uniforms, boots and hats!

The Silver Spoon in the HQ building is a neat place to eat, as there are always dishes being offered from the different NATO countries.

I like that I can take an Italian cooking class, bank at an Italian bank, shop at a Belgian store (or an American one) and check out library books in about eight different languages.

I can have friends from around the world.....right here where I live.

My kids come home and throw out curse words in....four...no...five languages (okay, maybe this...I don't like).

My one son's soccer coach really knows something about soccer...he's Argentinian BTW.

Where else can kids say they will be taking a field trip to the Louvre in Paris?

We get to celebrate (and have time off) for all the European holidays, which are typically longer than American holiday breaks...more time to travel.... (yes, Turkey Day is a work day....but imagine all the Americans bringing in their turkeys to grill at work and families joining their military spouses too....sounds like good times to me).

Shopping the international second hand goodies at the Spring and Summer monthly flea markets and community thrift shops. 

The wide selection of crafts, antiques and goodies at our international bazaars.

The lowcost language classes....some are even free!

Tax free shoppping of European products...just like at the airport.

Learning that sometimes things just are the way they are....like the movement of each NATO country's flag in the order of display so that no one flag will be first....or last....every Sunday at midnight like clockwork (wonder who has that duty?).

Tanks in Town - Felt like we were in "Band of Brothers"

One of the neatest things about Belgium...I have found....is that rules here are a little different than elsewhere.  Where else in the world, would a city allow a battalion's worth of armored vehicles, tanks and other WWII era vehicles....with a few modern ones thrown in....free reign throughout the city and countryside?  Apparently, only in Mons is this possible!  Every September, you can see the world's largest congregation of MOVING WWII era vehicles.  I think I also saw every kind of uniform or best guess as to a uniform....loved the kids in their French and Belgian resistance uniforms with their berets, sweater vests and Tommy guns!  Here's how to best enjoy this event for next year, and I highly recommend traveling from other duty stations in Europe for this once-in-a-lifetime event, where you can even ride a tank, or whatever else grabs your fancy!

First things first, visit the official site of the event.  I'm hoping they will get more sponsorship in 2011, because the rumor is that the city of Mons has pulled back sponsorship for future events.  Let the tourist bureau know this is an important event or else it risks being on a much smaller scale!

If you want to ride the tanks or wheeled vehicles, the organizers set up an obstacle course at the Bois Brule.  You must prepay on the official site.  It entails filling out the form with your name and information, as well as which vehicle you'd like to ride in and whether you'd like to do this on Saturday or Sunday.  Then, go to your local bank or use its online banking system to pay the account # listed at the site.  You can also pay internationally, as they list their international bank codes as well.  Print out a copy to show proof of payment, and take it with you.  Once you get to the bivouac site, which is right on the edge of the obstacle course at Bois Brule.  Look for a tent that is giving out the ride tickets.  They make you sign a waiver, and they also have a list of who rides what and on what day.  Arrive early in the day to avoid waiting in line.

We arrived right around 0930 am on Saturday, which was perfect.  As everyone else, we drove behind the barriers on the canal road, and parked right there on the street behind the other cars ahead of us.  We walked about half a mile to the entrance of the bivouac site, which also held a military fleamarket, which was worth it alone to visit.  So many uniforms (not just WWII), memorabilia, items dug up from battlefields and my youngest was just tickled a vendor let him where the German Pickelhaube, which was probably a copy....but it was cool anyway!  I was also surprised to see some swastikas and Nazi stuff displayed, but then realized this is not Germany and it is not illegal to display.  Before the day was over, my little one was decked out as a WWII doughboy.  The prices are also very reasonable, and I even saw a sign of some guy advertising that he could retread your tank for you....these people are SERIOUS!

Remember that Saturday is always free for SHAPE ID card holders, so be sure you show it at the entrance or pay the small fee.  Sunday is "Family Day", and I guess is free for families.  You'll get an armband before entry.  Of course we saw many,  many in uniform.  We also saw SHAPE soldiers in their duty uniforms.  We walked through the bivouac and saw numerous tents and conglomeration of sleeping arrangements, as well as static displays of many vehicles.  Of course there were also food tents and beer....and more beer.  Everyone was having a great time.

The boys chose to ride the T-72 Russian main battle tank...and they were not disappointed...the obstacle course was a bit of a roller coaster and boys got to sit in the gunner's and tank commander's hatch.  What an experience they told me!!!

On Sunday afternoon, we headed out to Mesvin and the farmer's field where the mock tank battle was scheduled to happen.  Arrive early!  There will be police and organizers directing traffic, and you'll end up parking in the town and walking out to the field, which takes about 10-30 minutes depending on how early you arrived.  They started the tank battle early this year, and I swear it lasted only five minutes, so don't get disappointed....leave in plenty of time and arrive early!  The tank battle had lots of booms, tanks and vehicles running around and also infantry soldiers in hand to hand combat with the first German soldiers I'd seen.  The official site says German uniforms are strictly prohibited....but you'll see them here and only here.  One German had to be taken on by three US soldiers, and I think they had more fun than the rest, in an impromptu wrestling match.  They even had one German vehicle and the Germans occupied defensive positions.  Of course the Americans won!  That was the last we saw of the Germans as they were hauled away, never to be seen again.

Then things got exciting, as all these vehicles lined up in positions for the road march into Mons Grand square.  I must say, this must've been highly orchestrated....everyone seemed to know their place.  We found a place along the parade route, at a corner, so we could see the tanks pivot and turn....and weren't disappointed there either.  Many left themselves some space as they gunned it around the corner, tearing up the roads in the process.  Many also threw bon-bons to any kid they saw....they loved it!  We even saw my son's science teacher go by manning one of the anti-aircraft guns.  We kept saying, isn't this something to see....we felt like we wereo on a movie set, especially with the old WWII Harley motorcycles whipping around back and forth with determined riders in goggles and leather helmets....loved it!

We ended up slipping out the back way ut of town...through some goatpaths to the next town, and headed around the back way to Mons.  We wanted to reach the square before they did.  We even found parking downtown, by the train station, and since it was Sunday, parking is free.  We then walked the five minutes to the Grand Place, which was already prepped for the convoy's arrival.  The Italian restaurant in the square still had plenty of seating, so we pulled up some chairs and had an awesome pizza and pasta meal, watching the tanks and other vehicles roll in....we even saw General Patton at one point....boy, he had gained some weight!  They must've packed hundreds of vehicles in that square and much to the delight of the crowd, the parade barriers were moved and everyone could interact with the vehicles and their operators.

It was amazing to talk to some of the re-enactors.  It is a culture and not just a hobby.  Many of the tanks had one owner but had teams who took care of them.  Many were so lovingly restored.  We talked to one man, who came from England and said this is the premier event world-wide for things like this, whose American tank he bought from the Croatian Army!  He ended up taking out the jerry rigged Russian engine and restored it back to all its original parts....can't imagine what that must've cost!  One tank was even rescued, even though it had a major hole through it from an anti-tank round in a real battle (which was artfully covered up of course).  Anyway, lots of close up photo opportunities and fun interacting....these guys are just a trip!

This event is highly recommended for WWII buffs, and kids will find it absolutely fascinating!  Put it on your calendar if you are in Europe!

The Goods Brought Back from Deployment

I just realized I have a collection going. I call it my "brought back from deployment" cache from the many deployments I've endured (yes, endured). What's so funny about that? It's just that, about two dozen of my friends, have almost the exact same things I have. Let me add, that we are also very careful not to bring back any antiquities, weapons or other forbidden stuff (just don't do it; it's not honest and should make you feel bad really).  How much you wanna bet you have some of these same things yourself if your spouse is going where our spouses are going?

Here is my list of treasures:

• a "real gold" necklace in the shape of a palm tree from Kuwait that broke apart the first time I wore it
  
• a sterling silver hand-hammered necklace with a stone I don't recognize and that hangs just low enough to get hidden under my shirt and fall into my cleavage (not on purpose really)
  
• a Burkha (am I supposed to wear it or use it as a costume for Halloween?)
  
• a prayer rug from Afghanistan (makes a warm spot for my feet getting out of bed)
  
• a wooden African elephant with a possible termite living in his butt after repeated piles of wood dust showing up in his rear area (he is no longer with us)
• a soapstone tiger that looks more like a kitty
• a handmade chess set (really well done I might add)
  
• a real honest-to-goodness handmade Persian rug (one that is actually "real")
  
• a wooden collapsible basket with concentric circles (very cool and they make great gift baskets)
• a wooden heavily engraved door from Timbuktu (they are known there for these things you know)
• a handmade silver bracelet I truly believe is the only one like it, it is so unusual
• many colorful silk and pashmina scarves (I LOVE these!)
  
• a handmade silver ring with a Chinese stone and a scripture of protection from the Koran written in minute detail on the face of the stone (yes, I needed my neighbor who spoke the language and a magnifying glass to verify this was indeed true!)

I love all my treasures!  Thank-you hubby!  Do you have any favorites that were brought back from a deployment?

Don't Want to Forget

Here we are up to our ears in Christmas cookies, garlands and in my house...pine needles from a tree that is obviously not getting watered enough. As I sit here wrapping gifts and mentally going over my Christmas Dinner shopping list, I am thinking of our extended family...the soldiers.

Please take a break from your hustle and bustle and stop by Great Americans to see where ordinary Americans are doing extraordinary deeds....and a reminder to say a few blessings for all our men and women who will not get to spend the holiday with their family but are determined to carry out their jobs so we can enjoy the season.

One Soldier's Sacrifice - watch more videos

Do It Yourself Fundraising Ideas

If you've spent any amount of time in a Family Readiness Group, you know that money always seems to be short in doing what you want to do with your families. I actually was in an FRG once where EVERYONE got tickets to a great amusement park or got a large percentage of their formal ball tickets subsidized. I also remember...now I'm just talking fundraisers in general...our children's school would always send home this crap, whether it was chocolate or wrapping paper to sell. I would rather just write a check and be done with it! But here I am, heading up an FRG and have to be somewhat creative so we can make some money to spend.

Here are some ideas to get your creative braincells churning. I know I don't have any, so I have to dig in my memory for some of the things that have worked in the past and have included those as well. As with everything we do in an FRG, you gotta make sure you swing this stuff by your legal section. We had another unit on our post over here in Germany want to raffle off their commander's parking spot...what a great idea, right? It was great alright until legal slammed it down. You can't raffle off government property and this spot on the ground was deemed government property...so they weren't able to do it....but, they could raffle off...or should I say "give an opportunity" to slam a cream pie in the commander's face...doesn't seem fair, does it?

I found some interesting fundraising ideas on the site below.

Fundraising Ideas

Some things that we've done in the past include....

• Brat burns. That's what they call it over here in Germany. You grill bratwurts or hotdogs and sell them with a soda and chips. Now, as an FRG you can't solicit anything, so you stick out your coffee can and have a sign for a suggested donation amount.

• Bakesales. But these are going the way of the dodo bird...I have never found them worth it, but it you have a lot of sweet tooths in your unit, it may pan out.

• Anything on CafePress. This is a great inexpensive way to take advantage of personalized printed items. You can use your unit crest or insignia as long as your commander approves it. We've done baby onesies, shirts and even Christmas ornaments which we will "sell" at this year's holiday event. If you open up your own store on Cafepress...with your one logo or design (that is the way to keep it free), you can get discount and bulk pricing.

• Get an extended family member to donate something to raffle off...or should I say, you sell an opportunity for this item...in some states, raffles are illegal too without proper authorizations...make sure you know the rules. We had a generous mom donate a $100 Michael Garman statue. We also had some ladies make some table centerpieces, which will also get raffled off at our holiday event.

• Get involved in community events. We recently collected items for a community fleamarket. Our ladies were very generous with all kinds of things, and it only took a handful of us to actually run the sale tables.

What do you do to raise money for your FRG?

Things I Learned at My Unit's Last Holiday Party

Our annual holiday party is now over for the year. It was a party for most who attended, but for a small handful of us...it was some serious work...that started about a month ago. We opted to rent a community club...a nice large room with a bar area, plates and flatware provided, along with a sound system and a stage for Santa. We had it catered by a favorite restaurant and had everyone bring their favorite dessert. We provided sodas, water and juice boxes, along with some traditional German hot drinks set up in crockpots. Our teenagers set up craft tables along the side to keep the little ones entertained and busy. We also had a door prize type of raffle, a raffle for a donated $200 statue and sold limited edition ornaments and some we made ourselves on CafePress. We ended up with a very tidy profit, tired feet, but many happy partygoers. In looking back, here are some tips I can share that we'll keep in mind for next year.Ideas may include:

• You can't do it all. Delegate tasks and do it early. A holiday party committee with regular meetings in the two months before the event is a stellar idea.
• Email invites are great but also budget for snail mail invites and signs around the battalion, company and barracks areas. Also make sure First Sergeants put the information out in formation and at staff meetings.
• Sell ornaments with your unit crest or insignia. This can be a huge moneymaker. We spent about $4 per ornament (we had a bulk order plus a shopowner discount) and charged $10 each. We uploaded our battalion crest and wrote in the name of the unit below on one of Cafe Press' oval ornaments. It was a big hit and a great memento from our unit. We set up our one shop and our one product (this keeps it free) and ordered our items early. Even though we had a small handful of defective ornaments, Cafe Press immediately sent out replacements and told us to discard the defectives...great customer service. Turn around time to our APO address was only 10 days.
• Secure donations to raffle off...or sell opportunities to win (whichever is legal in your area). We had a soldier's mother donate a Michael Garman statue. We also got some items from our local USO and other generous donors to raffle off. Someone's father was the member of a military organization, and they sent two checks to buy items. We had a separate raffle for the statue and another one for the door prize items. We used regular raffle tickets for the door prizes and for the Garman, we used a deck of cards. We cut each card in half as a person purchased a "ticket", we kept one half and they kept the other.
• Identify who will set up and clean up. We did ask the company First Sergeants for help and details to do the heavy lifting and work...but the spouses were also knee deep in the work as well. The most labor intensive work was bussing the tables and running the commercial dishwasher in the back...keeping the plates and flatware coming. We were willing to do this because it gave us a huge break on the rental of the facility. Had we gone with another facility that provided this service for us, we would've spent twice as much. Also, let the companies know, we need a detail of x number of spouses from each company to help out.
• Be creative at your party. Try something different this year, see below.

How about...

• Potluck rather than catered (assign each company a type of dish)
• Use FRG funds to purchase juiceboxes, ice and sodas
• Have each company responsible for setting up and running a craft table
• Have the unit bring a laptop and projector for a slideshow. Start soliciting early, through email, for photos or have people mail in CDs. Have one person in charge of putting that together.
• Identify a sound system and microphone so that everyone stays informed what activities are going on and are upcoming; it may also help to have a whiteboard posted with times of all the scheduled events
  
• Fundraise by selling holiday themed items specific to the unit (like ornaments) and sell raffle tickets for donated door prizes
• If you opt for catered food, have people bring desserts to share
• Reserve a location early (at least 6 months out or more)
• Reserve a Santa suit as early as you can or consider paying $300-500 for a rental quality suit you can then rent out to other units every year
• Instead of having people wait in line for Santa, give out numbers or have people sign up on a numbered list and call out the numbers in groups of five or ten

Even with our success, I would've done a few things differently. That is why our committee is having an AAR on Friday...just like the greensuiters do...after every event we plan and run, we look at the event afterwards...what went right and what went wrong...what we could've done better and what we'll keep for next time. It'll make it that much easier the next go-around, even if you have all new people doing the arranging. Next year, we may consider doing an event just for spouses...perhaps a dining out. Maybe we can set up "Photos w/Santa" for the kids or a kids' holiday party separately. We would also have a back-up microphone and send someone over to the place, early the morning of (the unit who had the place the night before, for lack of a better word...trashed the place and lost the microphone and there was a bit of scrambling as we got them to come in and help clean up...although we never found the microphone). But otherwise...it was a fun party....now...looking forward....we have to concentrate on our PX giftwrapping fundraisier and baking cookies for our single and unaccompanied soldiers...

How does your unit do its holiday parties?

Spouses Need a Battlebook Too

You know how our husbands in leadership positions have something called a battlebook? Sometimes it's called a continuity book. It's a binder with all the pertinent info he needs to do his job. So he's going to have info on there on his soldiers and what he does day-to-day in his job for quick reference. If you are a leader in your Family Readiness Group, then you need one too. I started out this last go around...as the leader of our Battalion FRG, totally disorganized. I don't know if I was just in denial or just didn't want to deal with it....I had papers and things everywhere and anywhere. Now that I have it organized in a binder, life has gotten SO much simpler. Here are my recommendations on what to keep in your book.

• Spouse rosters. Try to get your rosters in a telephone tree format. That means one spouse (after being asked) is in charge of the section or squad her husband is in. It does not have to be the officer's wife or someone high ranking. Just someone willing to call the few people on her list, should important information need to be passed on. Yeah, we all have email...and we get lazy and just fire emails out there, but I personally believe it fosters unit cohesiveness to use the phoneline...yes, even among the wives...and shows that you care when you call, even if it is just to check up once a month, especially when the guys are gone. Some FRGs also run their lists with the key caller in that squad calling the next person and then that person calls the next one...the last one calls the first one again to say "mission complete"....kind of like the telephone game. However you do it....just do it...you'll thank yourself later....especially if there is a crisis or a rumor starts to make its way through the unit. I also keep a copy hidden away in my car should I need it in an emergency.
  
• A section on the monthly FRG steering meeting. If your unit has an FRG steering meeting, for example, once a month, the company FRG leaders get together w/myself and the Sergeant Major's wife (we co-lead our FRG). All the agendas, notes and later, the minutes from each meeting go in here. I write my notes directly on the agenda instead of a notebook...easier to follow along. Once I get six months' worth, I file away older items in a file cabinet in a huge FRG folder (I'll tackle that at a later date).
  
• Another section for your monthly FRG meetings where the whole unit is invited to attend. Ditto goes for here.
• Welcome/Hospitality. Since we have a welcoming committee, I try to stay on top of rosters of new families coming in. We have a budget and like to welcome each new spouse with a bag of goodies. I also stash away new welcome ideas, such as pamphlets, things to buy, catalog resources, stores downtown and that kind of thing. Thank God we have a welcoming commitee chairperson, but I like to be a part of what is going on....you know me...just enough not to interfere with someone else's great ideas!
• Finances/Budget/Treasurer. Everything related to money goes in here to include our FRG spreadsheets. I used to carry around our SOP, until my binder got a bit too heavy. So that is now packed away in my bookshelf. Always stay on top of the money, and if you can help it, get a treasurer, so that you remove yourself from any conflict of interest in handling the finances.
  
• VMIS. I blogged about this great tool before. Manage all your volunteers and volunteer positions.
• Armyfrg.org. We just added our unit to this great resource. Keep everyone from your unit connected! They have an announcements section, photo albums, message boards and a few other resources that come in handy...the best part...is that this site is secure and only people assigned to your unit can register. Any notes I think of I want to add to this site, go in here.
  
• A section for each company. When someone from a company hands me a piece of paper that I deem important...it goes in here...be sure to frequently purge this section. I must say since we do most things by email now, it's not overflowing and is pretty much empty.
• Workshops. Our community frequently has workshops...I like to put the copies of slides or notes in here until I get a chance to really read them. Then they get filed away.
  
• ACS Info. Our Army Community Service has so many classes, events and resources, I like to keep their course schedule and general notes handy in here.
• Gift Log. We voted to award a volunteer every month and use battalion monies to purchase that gift. I also log every baby gift, which comes out of the "LTC and Mrs. Battalion Commander" Fund, ie our own pocket. It can be expensive, but if you set limits, it can surely be doable while your husband is in command. I did this at the company level too. It shows that you care and are interested in their lives.
  
• CARE Team section. Just a roster of who our currently trained CARE team personnel are. What is a CARE Team?
• Current Event Planning. For example, if your next event is "Sunday with Santa", all the notes from the planning meetings go here, as well as any to-do lists. Once the event is over, file it away for next time.

Do you have a battlebook? How do you stay organized in your FRG?

Best Way to Communicate During Deployments

I am always amazed these days of how easy it is to communicate with a deployed spouse. I'm not THAT old, and I can still remember writing letters and eagerly waiting on the mail. How times have changed! In light of these changes...keep these things in mind.

Instant communication is not always best. I can't tell you the number of emails I've received from readers who got worried, when their hubby didn't log onto Skype or some kind of instant messenger or email. For the last umpteen days, they've been hearing from him at the same time....every day...like clockwork..and the one day he doesn't log on, the wife goes into a frenzy. Most times, the husband was just taking out the trash...literally. You know how First Sergeants are...do this and do that...on their schedule and not yours...his latest mission may just be running an errand for his boss...or another soldier...it may not even be dangerous...but here we are worrying about next to nothing.

So here's my solicited advice to all.

• Do not expect to hear from your significant other every day. Do you know every time you "talk" or email with him, his guard is down, and when he gets off the phone or whatever with you...he has to get back into the "warrior mindset"? This can ultimately cost lives. What if he is on a mission..and he is either worried he won't get to Skype at the designated time, or he is daydreaming about something you said earlier? Let's not give him so many instances where he has to get himself back in the game...for lack of a better phrase.
• Absence does make the heart grow fonder. You can get some amazing build-up of love and passion, just by....wait for it, wait for it...it's just like when you were a kid...that candy tasted so much better when you waited for it. I still get butterflies when my husband comes home...almost 20 years later!
• Do write letters. One, cause he can stuff them in his shirt, and keep them close. Two, cause he doesn't need electronics to read and re-read them. Stick one under your pillow for a few days before mailing it...it's amazing how smells still linger after going thru the mail! And save the heavy stuff, ie issues and problems for well after he gets home...again, you don't want to get him out of his current mindset.
• Email is still a good choice. I always like to share the day-to-day stuff...that most people would find boring, but I can tell you...when you are deployed...you crave that sense of normalcy...use descriptive words and talk about your day, however boring you may find it. Attach a few downsized photos every now and then of the family so he isn't shocked when he gets home and your hair is purple and the kids are now taller than he is.
• Phonecalls every now and then are fine...but don't make them a regularly scheduled thing...it'll just bring more stress...to the both of you. Look at a phonecall as a big surprise! It'll make it that much nicer.

What recommendations do you have for keeping in touch with your loved one?

Paternity Leave for Army Daddies?

Wow...I wonder what got that ball rolling...and who the many people are who probably spent years fighting for this. The Navy and Marine Corps now provide 10 days of paternity leave. It looks like this may also become a new Department of Defense policy sooner rather than later.

Here's what we've got so far:

Navy Introduces Paternity Leave Policy to Sailors

Paternity Leave Policy in Effect

Well done!

Ask VMW: I Just Got Married and am Having Troubles w/Finance & Command Sponsorship

I frequently...actually, many times a day....get emails from people who need help. Many, I can just steer to one of my past blog posts or another. A few can be answered in one sentence or by a link to another site. But, some are a little more involved. Let's see if we can help this reader.

Long story short. My sister met her husband while visiting me overseas. She has finished DEERS and is waiting on command sponsorship. Her husband has been serving a single tour for about one year. We know that others in this position have had problems. So far housing won't talk to them till they have command sponsorship but do you know if they will approve a move for them? I had a friend married her husband after he was here three months and housing never would move them because he was already serving here. Also Finance says they cant get BAH or separation pay without command sponsorship. My sister has been hearing so much.

Let me say that getting married while your spouse is overseas is not an easy task. I actually married my husband while we were both overseas and after the rigamarole of going through the German system, we just dropped it, flew back to the States and got married there. But since I was already in the military myself, it was almost a seamless entry of merging into one household as far as the Army is concerned, except the issues I had with my last name.

Congrats to your sis on her marriage. Since her husband is already on the back end of his overseas tour, the Army will not authorize a move for his new spouse to join him, so I doubt she'll get command sponsorship right now. His only option would be to apply for a COT (a consecutive overseas tour), which goes up through his chain of command and outside of his unit in order to extend his time overseas to an accompanied tour length (36 months). If his enlistment is up before then, he'll have to re-enlist to extend past the time of the COT. I can tell you right now, very few COTs are getting approved, at least where we are here in Germany. But it is worth a try. It is up to his command...at the highest levels...whether to approve this or not. It goes way beyond his company commander.

You can read more about the paperwork your husband has to submit, in order to request approval of getting you to his location in Germany.

The info you got is correct on family separation pay. You have to be command sponsored for that and the military member will not get separation pay hitting his paycheck, until the 31st day of separation.

As far as the the Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH), if a member is serving an UNACCOMPANIED overseas tour, the member is eligible for BAH at the "with dependents" rate, based on the dependent's (that's you) US residence zipcode, plus Overseas Housing Allowance (OHA) at the "without dependents" rate, if the member is not furnished government housing overseas...in other words, if he is living off post. Many enlisted soldiers under a certain rank, usually Sergeant First Class, MUST live in the barracks so that the command can better maintain good order and discipline.

Bottom line, her husband needs to go thru his chain of command...his company First Sergeant and then his Company Commander to make sure the paperwork gets done. Finance is unfortunately notorious...or should I say, has a reputation...for screwing up and taking awhile to get things right, so she has to hang in there.

But I'd like to make one more point...many times, because wives cannot get command sponsorship, either because the geographical area does not allow it, such as close to the demilitarized zone in Korea, certain assignments in world hotspots or maybe because the command did not authorize it for one reason or another, please read about going to join your spouse as a non-command sponsored dependent. Even though this article talks mostly about Korea, the information is valid for other locations as well. Know what the great risks are and be willing to take them should you go this route.

Do you have any advice for this young lady?

Celebrating Those Life Moments in the Battalion - Babies

I still don't have a perfect system. I think it's especially important, that as a commander's wife, I am recognizing the importance of a new member of our extended battalion family. These life moments only come once for each child, and you know, my husband never forgot it, that he was not there for the birth of our second son. In fact, it weighed so heavily on him, through his own choosing, as I did not want him to feel guilty, that he will try to move mountains to make sure the father is here in country when that baby is born....not always possible looking at mission requirements, but if it can be done....he's going to do it. My part, is celebrating that new baby in our lives.

At first, I had trouble with just plain old fashioned communication. I sometimes didn't get notified at all. Other times, I would get a telephone message or email...well after the fact...the last one was three months after the fact. Then, when I started getting the information in a fairly timely fashion, I didn't get the hospital information. I hate to waste people's time, including my own, so there I was loaded down with gifts and diapers...in the wrong hospital. Or, since I didn't get the right information, I am playing phone tag either with the parents or the FRG leader.

So, finally, I said...please, send me the birth information thru email only and please...tell me the name of the hospital. My goal is to visit the mom and baby while they are still in there. It makes it easier on me...I'm estimating about 20-25 babies a year...and easier on them, because they don't have to feel uncomfortable with me visiting them at home (I know they clean up for me and try to entertain me and that is not what I intended). I've been buying mostly diapers, wipes, a little toy and an outfit...and trying to keep it down to $25 or less...with a battalion of a few hundred people...you can guess how this can add up, so you have to keep costs down as this is coming out of my husband's and my paycheck. In our command class at Ft Leavenworth, we were warned that battalion command would be expensive....and it has been so far to an extent....but also very rewarding.

Now, our companies, do raise funds for their baby funds, and they typically also visit the new moms and babies bearing a custom printed onesies from Cafe Press, as well as food for the freezer and a cute thing called a diapercake. They recognize as well as I do what an important moment this is.

What does your unit do to honor those new babies?

Veterans Benefit in Franchising

I know companies are always trying to dream up ideas on new and innovative ways to make money. Franchising is one way...but how do you get people to buy into the franchise and then get people to eat there too? How about a program that gives breaks of thousands of dollars to veterans who are willing to open up a franchise? And what if that franchise is a brand name that almost everyone in America recognizes?

That's exactly what Little Caesar's was thinking with their Little Caesar's Veterans Program. Obviously, it's only for veterans. I think it's been around for almost a year and a handful of veterans have take advantage of it so far. From what I've read, they all found it a great deal and something worthwhile to pursue, one because Little Caesar's is a company they trust and believe in...and two, it allows them to be their own boss, many opening a franchise in their hometown, giving them an opportunity to settle there with a headstart on how they are going to support themselves. We all know that just a military pension is just not enough these days. One happy new owner was also happy to provide an alternative to the other few fast food places in town...knowing that his was a crowd pleaser.

Do you know of any other companies that offer special benefits to veterans? I think it's a great idea, and a great incentive to go into business for yourself.

Ask VMW: My Husband Wants a Divorce!

I got a very sad email the other day:

I am sitting here numb writing this. I don't even know how to process this next bit of news. My husband, who just came home from a deployment, told me he does not want to be married anymore. I don't think it's another woman or anything I can put my finger on, but he seems absolutely dead set on this. I tried to ignore what he was saying, but now I see papers from a lawyer, so I guess he is serious. I don't even know where to begin? What do I do?

To be honest, I am numb reading your email. I am at this point, while I am writing this, trying to send cyberhugs through the airwaves. I don't want to profess knowing it all or even understanding what you are going through, but here is what I advise for you to do, not necessarily in the order listed below.

• Get yourself a lawyer ASAP. You can even go to your local Army JAG office. You just won't get the same lawyer your husband got.
• Know what your rights are as a military spouse. Don't let him sucker you into anything or sign anything, until you get it checked out. Many spouses don't realize until much later, what they should've done instead of what they actually did. You very well could be entitled to at least half of his retirement pay and certainly child support if you have children together.
  
• Surround yourself with positive people and people who genuinely care for you. You'll know who those people are the minute this gets out, and it well. Take them up on their offers of help and support, even if you feel you don't need it....you deserve it and your children too.
• Keep your chin up this entire process and continue to look straight ahead. Because you are who you are and so is your husband. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone has a problem with it, then you didn't need them in the first place.
  
• Make sure this is what BOTH of you want. If you can, try to get counseling first. We all have our ups and downs, and you want to make absolutely sure this is not just a down period and the relationship is truly on its way out.
• Read this wonderful blog. This strong Army wife went through the process herself, and she is now thriving, and her kids are thriving. She does such an excellent job of laying it all out there and nothing is off-limits. Get strength from her experience and many others like hers. There are MANY support groups out there. Find a support group and connect with others who are going through this as well.
  
• Stop by these other sites to get informed and to gather as much information as you can.

Military Divorce and Pensions

How is Military Retirement Pay Divided During Divorce

Military and Divorce

Frequently Asked Questions

If anyone knows of any other resources that can help here, please post them below. And Angie (name changed to protect anonymity), please know that we are thinking of you today and please know that you will emerge stronger from this life event, and we want to wish you positive thoughts and the strength and will to carry on as you go through this ordeal.

Ask VMW: The Plight of a Military Girlfriend

I recently received the question below:

I am not a military wife but rather a military girlfriend. My boyfriend has just been accepted into the army officer program and leaves for training in less than a week. We are not engaged, but do live together and I plan on going with him to where he is assigned on base in Germany. I guess I am wondering how possible this move will be without us being married. Marriage is not out of the question for us but we don't want to rush it or do it for the wrong reasons. Do military girlfriends have rights and benefits just as spouses do? Is marriage necessary in moving to another country? Do you have any advice for me or any ideas of other resources that I could look at in making these adjustments?

My lengthy answer to her was:

I would definitely relook at your plans! Girlfriends and fiancees have zero rights as far as the Army is concerned...you are a non-person I am afraid. Your boyfriend can put you on his life insurance and possibly as a point of contact should something happen to him, but that is about it. Without an ID card, you won't be able to do anything on post or base...even more so overseas. In fact, your boyfriend would be non-command sponsored at his German duty station. That means he will not be paid extra for having a spouse and you won't be allowed to use any of the facilities on post, to include the PX and the commissary and everything else. Only ID card holders can shop and use the services on post. You won't be able to go on post except when escorted by him.

Now, people over here do have relatives and friends visit from the States, and the limit I think right now in being able to stay in Germany is three months on a US passport, according to German law. So you could come visit him, but just wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely unless you get some kind of work visa from the German government, and I think in order to get that, a company has to hire you first from overseas. There are plenty of contractors and government positions over here...you just have to have some kind of skills to get hired from overseas. Many companies actually hire the family members of soldiers to help keep hiring costs down for new employees. That would be one avenue I would check out if I really, really wanted to move over but would allow you some privileges and benefits without totally relying on your boyfriend.

The one bright light, because your boyfriend is an officer, he would be allowed to live off post. He will not be authorized family housing on post, being single, and luckily, he won't have to live in the barracks. Most commanders will let all E-6s or E-7s and above find a place off post, thru the housing office, which they will get a certain amount of rent money for in addition to their base pay (this is rank dependent).

Sorry this advice wasn't rosier, but I think it's better to know what to expect than to run around with rose colored glasses on. I certainly commend you for supporting your boyfriend and wanting to be with him. In our last Family Readiness Group in the States, we did have some girlfriends get very involved and help with our events and programs and were a part of our little group. But for the most part, it was hard to overcome "just being a girlfriend", and as of this date, the military does not consider a girlfriend a part of the family.

Let me recommend two message boards for you to visit. There are a lot of girlfriends and fiancees who visit here who may be able to offer their own insight from experience.

Married to the Army

Army Wives (and Girlfriends and Fiancees too)

Are you an Army girlfriend? Would you like to share your experiences here? Please do share...both good and bad...