Ask VMW: We are moving & our child is EFMP

I get this question or a variant of it about every few months.  I know it weighs heavily, especially on moms.  I don't know if I can help but here goes.

The question:

"My husband got orders for Germany.  They are for 36 months which I understand includes dependents. We are very happy because we wanted to go to Germany. On the other hand, once I started reading about the command sponsorship I became very concerned with the idea of us not being able to go. Our oldest son is enrolled in the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP). My first concern was if they have the special need resources at the school over there.  My question is, do you have a self-contained room for special ed? Do you know what happens if you don't have the services my son requires? Do they just cancel the orders, change them or they just send my husband alone for those 36 months?"

My response:

Please take a deep breath....and step back a bit.  I applaud you for taking the time to research your new duty station! I wish more wives would take the time to do this.

Now....the EFMP screening which you and your family will do, will determine if there are services for your son available at your husband's projected new duty station.  Right now, your husband only has assignment instructions....orders for his actual duty station will be cut (made) locally, once he and his family meets all the requirements, the most important being EFMP screening.

I can obviously not tell you what the doctors and administrators at this screening will say...you'll be in a room with a few doctors and administrators with your health records...they will also ask you questions.  I personally do not know if your projected duty station in Germany is equipped to handle your son's disability, and the American Disabilities Act requires that disabled students be integrated into the classroom as much as possible...this is not just military-wide but US wide.  There are some students with dedicated para-educators who are with them at EVERY moment of the school day.  They may take some small group or individualized instruction in the special education room/facilities and as their disability allows, be integrated throughout the day in the mainstream classrooms with a para-educator by their side, if needed.

If for some reason, the staff at the EFMP screening determines there will not be sufficient services for your son in this duty location (I have no way of knowing), then your husband's assignment instructions will be rescinded and others will be issued for another location.  I don't know if he'll be given the opportunity for an unaccompanied tour (2 years) either.  This will in no way hurt his career.  That is one of the reasons why the EFMP system was developed.

Please don't worry too much about this, as right now, there is really nothing you can do about this process that all overseas bound families must go through.  You can try to see if there are other wives on the Army Wives Forum and ask if anyone is in EFMP in your projected area.  There are many wives on that forum who are overseas. 

Unfortunately, many of the Army hospitals and posts have closed in Germany. The only REAL hospital is up in Landstuhl...the closest Army base or collection of bases would be in Kaiserslautern, still a very big military community. Ramstein Air Base is also nearby. The rest of the bases and posts, both AF and Army rely on US military health clinics and off-post care on the economy.  German healthcare is very comparable to ours and in many ways more advanced, so no worries there.  Yes, sometimes there are language barriers, but for the most part, many doctors and some staff do speak some English.

Good luck to you!

Ask VMW: When exactly do I get my ID card as a new military spouse?

I thought I would answer this question today:

My husband just enlisted in the air force and we are currently waiting on his job assignment and the date he leaves for BMT. I do have a question and was hoping maybe you would know because my husbands recruiter has never dealt with a married recruit before. But do you know when I will be eliglble to get my dependent id card and be able to get on base? Will it be after BMT, or AIT or during one of those? Thanks so much for any help!!

And my answer:

Congrats to you!  Yes, you have a lot going on, don't you?  Once your hubby ships off to basic, he will go through a multitude of paperwork....life insurance, will, power of attorney, military stuff and a host of other inprocessing items...all in the first few weeks.  He'll enroll you in a computer system called DEERS....send you some paperwork, and then you with the paperwork and your documentation you provide, go to your nearest military base to get your ID card.  Once you are in DEERS, you can access the post/base, shop there, get healthcare, access to dental thru Tricare/Concordia Dental, etc...without it, you can do nothing, which I am sure you have figured out!

You can help by gathering all your important documents such as certified copies of your marriage certificate and birth certificate.






You can also find some pertinent information in this blogpost.

Good luck and welcome to the club!

Ask VMW: What do I bring as a hostess gift?

I've received this question a few times, so I thought I'd better answer it.  At one time or another, you'll be invited to go to the commander's wife's house or somewhere else.  Here's the question:

"What do you bring as a hostess gift to a general's wife's luncheon at her home? The luncheon is intended for component commander's wives. She is VERY old school with the "rules" so I want to ensure I bring something. This is in Germany so European suggestions are welcome."

I have a general rule that some commanders' wives may not like...but when I am the invited guest, I NEVER come empty-handed.  Many times invitations will say "no gifts", but I consider a "small token"  not a gift, so I get away with it I think most of the time.....plus, it's the right thing to do....I know they are trying not to collect junk and don't want you spending money on junk, so that's how I interpret it and do it anyway.

Now, being a former commander's wife....twice....I can tell you, I got a lot of knick knacks and things I could not possibly use.  It always made me feel bad, because I knew that some thought and money must've gone into the gift, so you accept it for what it is....thoughtfulness, genorosity and good manners.

Being in Germany you say and near a chocolate factory I see, how about a nicely wrapped box of premium chocolates from your local factory store?  Amazingly enough, here in Belgium, I am near yet another chocolate factory...I'm not complaining and MANY wives here will go there and buy huge boxes of chocolates in different flavors (cause you can only get one flavor per large non-descript box at this particular place).  They then buy cute little giftboxes and paper with all the trimmings and mix and match the chocolates in these boxes to give away as gifts.  If you don't have a lot of giving to do, then just buy a box or two....package them in smaller lots...and then eat the rest.  No one can ever have too many chocolates!  I saw a lot of this going on over the holidays up in this area.

As a hostess, I also enjoy a bottle of wine....something different, like a Riesling or a "died-and-gone-to-heaven" Eiswein....I recently bought some wonderful South African wines for 3 Euros from our local Lidl here in Belgium.  I know they are priced the same in Germany.  I also like to see these items prettily wrapped and am always amazed at how creative ladies can be.  I say this, because I'm not.  Flowers are always safe, as long as they are not of the funeral or love variety....each country may have different customs, so check that you're bringing appropriate flowers and mixed-priced bouquets work best.  I once got a really pretty small notebook, which I loved and ended up carrying in my purse for my constant notetaking.  I also had a guest make me five handmade notecards with my initials on there....I could tell alot of work went into these things, and I was really touched by that.  Of course the hard part was using them and then giving them away...but that's another story really.

Things to stay away from.....I would say books (cause interests are so different, and you don't want to risk offending anyone)....no knick knacks that gather dust, although I once got a very interesting Christmas ornament at a holiday gathering that the giftgiver handmade.  I still have it, and it is a reminder of our command time in an international environment.  Another time I got a very nicely wrapped basket of walnuts that came out of someone's yard....I think that is okay because it was homemade and genuine....but most food...be careful...someone may be allergic or just not like it...for example, eating pickled herring brings good luck, but I just wouldn't bring it as a gift.  As much as I like scarves and shawls, don't bring those or clothing either....again, too much of a risk of someone not liking what you bring and then what?  Or, they may feel bad, thinking you spent a lot of money, even though you swear up and down that it was nothing.  I have a mink stole I received....yes, it was from someone hailing from a Nordic country....but I feel guilty that I got it, and it was a bit awkward in front of the other ladies as well.

Now that I've given you some ideas, I bet you just came up with another dozen!  If anyone wants to share what they like to bring or what they like receiving, please post below!

Ask VMW: Help, I am not on my husband's military orders...don't I get to come too?

I am catching up with some questions from readers.  Here is one that I've answered often through email, so I thought I would blog about it:

"Help, my husband just got orders to Germany and me and the kids are not on it!  I thought families could automatically go with their soldier to Germany?  We don't want to be left behind!  Please help!"

First....take a deep breath.  Not being on orders can be standard.  The first thing you need to find out is if your Army spouse is serving an accompanied tour (typically three years) or an unaccompanied tour (two years).  An accompanied tour means he is authorized to bring his family with him on the government's dime...meaning, the Army will fly them all over, and they'll get supported over there with special passports authorizing them to stay beyond the traditional tourist 90 days (a SOFA stamped passport) and of course healthcare, schools and all the other support they'd normally get, same as if the servicemember was stationed in the US.

You and your children (the dependents) will get an EFMP screening.  This is a formality where medical professionals will look at your medical records and also interview you to see if you have any special medical needs.  PLEASE do this as soon as your military member finds out his new assignment, because without this screening, he will NOT get his orders!  The military want to make sure there are facilities near the new duty station (whether military or civilian) that can care for your medical problem.  Some things that come to mind are asthma, hearing loss, special physical therapy needs and other medical issues that may require special care.  Just because you or your dependents are enrolled in EFMP does not mean you cannot come along.  Germany is a very modern country with good healthcare facilities, so chances are high this will not be an issue for your family.

The first step for your spouse is to attend the levy briefing on his current post.  This is where he will learn how to ship his household goods, cars and all the other information he will need to move.  I suggest you go with him if you can....two sets of ears are always better than one.  On some posts, it is even a requirement for spouses to go too (as much as they can require...okay, highly encouraged then).  This briefing is given by your outgoing transportation office on your post.  The personnel people on your post will actually be "typing up" your spouse's orders, depending on what his assignment instructions coming down from the Department of the Army say (such as what unit he will be going to or if he will be going to a centralized location like a Replacement Detachment and then further assigned to a gaining unit AFTER arrival in country).  Remember that there may be beaucoup duty positions for a wheeled vehicle mechanice in the rank of Private or Specialist...not so many slots for let's say a Lieutenant Colonel in the Infantry...chances are the private will be sent to the Replacement Detachment in the country you are moving to, while the LTC has a pinpoint assignment of his exact duty station and job...that's just the way it is, the higher up in rank you go.  What goes on the orders also depends on which overseas duty location your spouse will be stationed in.  Some duty stations have longer waiting lists for housing, so orders are automatically noted as "non-concurrent travel" for dependents, meaning the military spouse travels first, then the spouse and children later.  This is done to save the military money and when you think about it, it may be cheaper and less stressful for you too.

When deciding whether to travel with your spouse, take these points into account, and if they don't cause extra financial hardship or stress for you, then go for it!  Otherwise, you may be better off waiting until your military spouse is settled and has housing.

• Many times, there is no hotel or lodging on post/base, and you'll be staying at some civilian establishment.  Typically, your sponsor will guide you into where you should make a reservation or will do it for you.  You'll get travel pay to cover food and lodging, but that does not mean you can stay at the fanciest places and eat out for every meal (don't laugh...I've seen it done).  Know what your cap is ahead of time per day versus what it will cost for hotel and estimated food for you and your family...it'll be rank dependent.  Many overseas hotels have favorable government rates.  Read reviews on Trip Advisor and Booking.com.  See what other hotels are available in the area.  See how far they are from the post.  Walking distance?  Bus/metro routes?  Free breakfast or other freebies, like parking (if you get a rental car), amenities, etc.  The more they throw into the room price, the more travel money is left over for you.
• Do you have children?  Can you get adjoining rooms, ie two rooms?  Are there bathtubs (my kids like baths)?  Many European business hotels only have showerstalls.  Will you PCS during the summer during school break?  If not, do you have a plan to get them registered into school quickly?  Which school (if there is more than one US Department of Defense school)?  Is there busing from the hotel?  Will your child be able to change schools if your eventual home is in another zone (Stuttgart has three different elementary schools, and they are all not the same quality unfortunately...just like anywhere else).  Is it easier for your children to stay where they are now, especially if family is nearby?  Can they handle the change of moving multiple times from hotels to a home when you find it with sometimes temporary housing in between? 
• How will your pets handle being in a hotel for a longer timeframe?  Plan in being in a hotel for one to three months.  Sometimes, you can get temporary housing, which is basically apartment living, until you find a house or onpost housing is available.  You'd have temporary furniture and live there in the interim.  It all depends on what is available at the post when your husband signs in.  You'll get on the housing list as soon as he inprocesses after arrival....no earlier.  Is your dog a barker?  Is he not house broken or does he not do well under stress?  Even though European countries are very pet friendly, there are going to be times you can't take him along.  Will he be okay in his crate?  Is he crate trained?  Will he bark and growl at the cleaning staff?  Make sure you let your sponsor know you have a pet and make sure your lodging accepts pets and is tolerant of possible pet problems.  The Marriott in Sindelfingen, Germany (Stuttgart area) is one of the better places in Stuttgart to go if you have pets.
• Find out if your hotel has a microwave or a refrigerator.  Our last PCS hotel had a refrigerator that was barely cold, so no milk storage.  We also did not have a microwave, so we ate out alot, plus a lot of sandwiches.  Read my post here about being creative on a budget when it comes to mealtime.
• As long as you don't eat out every night, most people can make some money on their travel pay.....meaning, they give out less money than the Army pays them for travel expenses.  The average cost of a good restaurant meal in Germany, per person is anywhere from 15-20 euro, which includes drinks.
• Are you going to spring for a rental car to get you around?  The Army does not pay for a rental car, so ship your car from stateside....early, to get it sooner rather than later.  Rental car = more money going out.  Who will have the car most days?  Your spouse or you?
• Your spouse will most likely have to inprocess and also spend time at work.  You'll spend a lot of time bored (if you let yourself be) and alone.  Are you a self-starter enough that you can keep yourself busy?  Are you brave enough to at least venture out on your own?  If you choose to stay in the hotel, will you go stir crazy after days on end?  What about your children?  Hopefully, your spouse has a good sponsor, whose wife will come get you now and again.  Or, perhaps the Family Readiness Group is established enough to welcome newcomers and give a helping hand. We gave out welcome kits and visited the new spouse as soon as possible.  I think the Air Force even has folks (the sponsor or their version of the Family Readiness Group) who will fill your lodging refrigerator for you!  How about that!

With all that being said, I think it totally depends on your personality and how independent you are, whether you travel with your military spouse or not.  Just be well informed and make the best decision you can make for your particular family.  If you're worried about flying with multiple children and pets, many times, the spouse can take off work to come back to the US to help you fly over.  I've flown over with two babies on my own...but my personality was able to handle that.  You have to know yourself what you are capable of and use the power of positive thinking while you're at it!  What other advice would you add?

Ask VMW: Where are the English Speaking Churches near SHAPE?

I recently received this question:

Are there any off base American/English speaking Christian churches outside SHAPE or Chievres? 

Of course!  You've already found the chapels affiliated with SHAPE and Chievres by googling them I hope:-)  They also have a facebook page, so be sure to link up with them there.

There are other ones in the area that many Shapians attend.  My sons are doing a lock-in at a chateau with our church next week....that is something different!

We've got:

International Baptist Church in Jurbise

Calvary Baptist Church

And there is also an English speaking church in Waterloo, about 30-40 minutes away (depending on where you live) that has proved popular, Christian Center.

Please know that wherever you are stationed, the religious center on your post will maintain a list of local churches.  You can always contact them, and they'll send you the list as well.

Ask VMW: I Want to Go Overseas with My Boyfriend!

I do seem to get this next question a lot....ahhhhh, young love!

"I am currently state side and will be moving to Germany with my boyfriend in August.  As far as the visa goes, my question had more to do with staying in the country for longer than 90 days if I'm planning on marrying someone who is based there?  I understand that the benefits do not exist in any such way when it comes to military, but I'm just trying to make sure things between him and I are more than the right thing before we plan some shot gun wedding."

And here is my response:

I know a few girls who came over with their BF...the ones with a good education, job credentials and good resume, got a job while they were stateside (by far the easiest method but not necessarily easy to achieve as the process is VERY competive whether you go the contractor route or the government path).  You should ideally be able to support yourself over here without your BF's help.

If you follow him on your tourist visa, you will have NO support.  I know of one girlfriend who was in a car accident...minor but expensive...she ended up having to go back to the US after her accident and their relationship did not survive.

Depending on what your boyfriend's rank is, he may or may not be allowed to live off post.  A new rule requires that all Staff Sergeants - (E6s and below) MUST live in single soldier housing on post.  That would mean without you.  If your BF had a higher rank and could live off post, you'd still be stuck.  You would be on your tourist visa and limited to 90 days in country.  You would not be able to go on post unless he signed you in every time (and out) or your BF could take you and a copy of your flight itinerary to get you a temporary pass issued, which would cover you and allow you to go on post with or without him escorting you.  Your pass will expire the day after your flight itinerary shows you are to return back to the US.

Even though you can travel freely on and off post with a pass, you will not be able to shop at any of the onpost establishments without a military or military dependent ID card...so no grocery shopping or otherwise (unless you shop offpost with Euros).

You will also be unable to get a job off post on the German economy with a tourist visa, unless you happen to work "under the table" somewhere and not too many businesses would be willing to go out on a limb for you like that.  In the end, you could end up being a burden rather than a welcome sight!  Trust me on this one!

My suggestion, and take it for what it's worth to you, is to set up regular visits.  If your boyfriend is on an unaccompanied tour (without dependents or family), then it will only be two years...visit him twice a year, and do regular internet chats, webcams, letters and whatever you need to do...this will also be a good test for you to see if your love can last....most of us veteran wives have found out that being apart actually makes your relationship stronger!  Also, if your BF comes overseas...what will you do when he gets deployed for six months to a year or whatever, depending on his job.  I'd say two years apart with some visits mixed in is a great opportunity and test for your relationship...if you can soldier thru that, your relationship can last thru ANY deployment and in today's military, there will be many...not just one or two.  AND your relationship has a better chance of survival!

Again, just my opinion...but I know what I'm talking about...I have counseled dozen of young wives and a few girlfriends...just something to think about it.

Ask VMW: I Just Got Married and am Having Troubles w/Finance & Command Sponsorship

I frequently...actually, many times a day....get emails from people who need help. Many, I can just steer to one of my past blog posts or another. A few can be answered in one sentence or by a link to another site. But, some are a little more involved. Let's see if we can help this reader.

Long story short. My sister met her husband while visiting me overseas. She has finished DEERS and is waiting on command sponsorship. Her husband has been serving a single tour for about one year. We know that others in this position have had problems. So far housing won't talk to them till they have command sponsorship but do you know if they will approve a move for them? I had a friend married her husband after he was here three months and housing never would move them because he was already serving here. Also Finance says they cant get BAH or separation pay without command sponsorship. My sister has been hearing so much.

Let me say that getting married while your spouse is overseas is not an easy task. I actually married my husband while we were both overseas and after the rigamarole of going through the German system, we just dropped it, flew back to the States and got married there. But since I was already in the military myself, it was almost a seamless entry of merging into one household as far as the Army is concerned, except the issues I had with my last name.

Congrats to your sis on her marriage. Since her husband is already on the back end of his overseas tour, the Army will not authorize a move for his new spouse to join him, so I doubt she'll get command sponsorship right now. His only option would be to apply for a COT (a consecutive overseas tour), which goes up through his chain of command and outside of his unit in order to extend his time overseas to an accompanied tour length (36 months). If his enlistment is up before then, he'll have to re-enlist to extend past the time of the COT. I can tell you right now, very few COTs are getting approved, at least where we are here in Germany. But it is worth a try. It is up to his command...at the highest levels...whether to approve this or not. It goes way beyond his company commander.

You can read more about the paperwork your husband has to submit, in order to request approval of getting you to his location in Germany.

The info you got is correct on family separation pay. You have to be command sponsored for that and the military member will not get separation pay hitting his paycheck, until the 31st day of separation.

As far as the the Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH), if a member is serving an UNACCOMPANIED overseas tour, the member is eligible for BAH at the "with dependents" rate, based on the dependent's (that's you) US residence zipcode, plus Overseas Housing Allowance (OHA) at the "without dependents" rate, if the member is not furnished government housing overseas...in other words, if he is living off post. Many enlisted soldiers under a certain rank, usually Sergeant First Class, MUST live in the barracks so that the command can better maintain good order and discipline.

Bottom line, her husband needs to go thru his chain of command...his company First Sergeant and then his Company Commander to make sure the paperwork gets done. Finance is unfortunately notorious...or should I say, has a reputation...for screwing up and taking awhile to get things right, so she has to hang in there.

But I'd like to make one more point...many times, because wives cannot get command sponsorship, either because the geographical area does not allow it, such as close to the demilitarized zone in Korea, certain assignments in world hotspots or maybe because the command did not authorize it for one reason or another, please read about going to join your spouse as a non-command sponsored dependent. Even though this article talks mostly about Korea, the information is valid for other locations as well. Know what the great risks are and be willing to take them should you go this route.

Do you have any advice for this young lady?

Ask VMW: My Husband Wants a Divorce!

I got a very sad email the other day:

I am sitting here numb writing this. I don't even know how to process this next bit of news. My husband, who just came home from a deployment, told me he does not want to be married anymore. I don't think it's another woman or anything I can put my finger on, but he seems absolutely dead set on this. I tried to ignore what he was saying, but now I see papers from a lawyer, so I guess he is serious. I don't even know where to begin? What do I do?

To be honest, I am numb reading your email. I am at this point, while I am writing this, trying to send cyberhugs through the airwaves. I don't want to profess knowing it all or even understanding what you are going through, but here is what I advise for you to do, not necessarily in the order listed below.

• Get yourself a lawyer ASAP. You can even go to your local Army JAG office. You just won't get the same lawyer your husband got.
• Know what your rights are as a military spouse. Don't let him sucker you into anything or sign anything, until you get it checked out. Many spouses don't realize until much later, what they should've done instead of what they actually did. You very well could be entitled to at least half of his retirement pay and certainly child support if you have children together.
  
• Surround yourself with positive people and people who genuinely care for you. You'll know who those people are the minute this gets out, and it well. Take them up on their offers of help and support, even if you feel you don't need it....you deserve it and your children too.
• Keep your chin up this entire process and continue to look straight ahead. Because you are who you are and so is your husband. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and if anyone has a problem with it, then you didn't need them in the first place.
  
• Make sure this is what BOTH of you want. If you can, try to get counseling first. We all have our ups and downs, and you want to make absolutely sure this is not just a down period and the relationship is truly on its way out.
• Read this wonderful blog. This strong Army wife went through the process herself, and she is now thriving, and her kids are thriving. She does such an excellent job of laying it all out there and nothing is off-limits. Get strength from her experience and many others like hers. There are MANY support groups out there. Find a support group and connect with others who are going through this as well.
  
• Stop by these other sites to get informed and to gather as much information as you can.

Military Divorce and Pensions

How is Military Retirement Pay Divided During Divorce

Military and Divorce

Frequently Asked Questions

If anyone knows of any other resources that can help here, please post them below. And Angie (name changed to protect anonymity), please know that we are thinking of you today and please know that you will emerge stronger from this life event, and we want to wish you positive thoughts and the strength and will to carry on as you go through this ordeal.

Ask VMW: The Plight of a Military Girlfriend

I recently received the question below:

I am not a military wife but rather a military girlfriend. My boyfriend has just been accepted into the army officer program and leaves for training in less than a week. We are not engaged, but do live together and I plan on going with him to where he is assigned on base in Germany. I guess I am wondering how possible this move will be without us being married. Marriage is not out of the question for us but we don't want to rush it or do it for the wrong reasons. Do military girlfriends have rights and benefits just as spouses do? Is marriage necessary in moving to another country? Do you have any advice for me or any ideas of other resources that I could look at in making these adjustments?

My lengthy answer to her was:

I would definitely relook at your plans! Girlfriends and fiancees have zero rights as far as the Army is concerned...you are a non-person I am afraid. Your boyfriend can put you on his life insurance and possibly as a point of contact should something happen to him, but that is about it. Without an ID card, you won't be able to do anything on post or base...even more so overseas. In fact, your boyfriend would be non-command sponsored at his German duty station. That means he will not be paid extra for having a spouse and you won't be allowed to use any of the facilities on post, to include the PX and the commissary and everything else. Only ID card holders can shop and use the services on post. You won't be able to go on post except when escorted by him.

Now, people over here do have relatives and friends visit from the States, and the limit I think right now in being able to stay in Germany is three months on a US passport, according to German law. So you could come visit him, but just wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely unless you get some kind of work visa from the German government, and I think in order to get that, a company has to hire you first from overseas. There are plenty of contractors and government positions over here...you just have to have some kind of skills to get hired from overseas. Many companies actually hire the family members of soldiers to help keep hiring costs down for new employees. That would be one avenue I would check out if I really, really wanted to move over but would allow you some privileges and benefits without totally relying on your boyfriend.

The one bright light, because your boyfriend is an officer, he would be allowed to live off post. He will not be authorized family housing on post, being single, and luckily, he won't have to live in the barracks. Most commanders will let all E-6s or E-7s and above find a place off post, thru the housing office, which they will get a certain amount of rent money for in addition to their base pay (this is rank dependent).

Sorry this advice wasn't rosier, but I think it's better to know what to expect than to run around with rose colored glasses on. I certainly commend you for supporting your boyfriend and wanting to be with him. In our last Family Readiness Group in the States, we did have some girlfriends get very involved and help with our events and programs and were a part of our little group. But for the most part, it was hard to overcome "just being a girlfriend", and as of this date, the military does not consider a girlfriend a part of the family.

Let me recommend two message boards for you to visit. There are a lot of girlfriends and fiancees who visit here who may be able to offer their own insight from experience.

Married to the Army

Army Wives (and Girlfriends and Fiancees too)

Are you an Army girlfriend? Would you like to share your experiences here? Please do share...both good and bad...

Ask VMW: My Husband Has Shut Me Out!

I received this heart-wrenching email the other day. I post it not to be voyeuristic, but as informational, in that this could very well happen to any spouse you know. If you don't know the resources to help yourself, you could potentially flounder in helplessness and self-doubt. Here's how to get help.


Here's the post:

It seems my son quickly married, and then was deployed to Afghanistan. He got the pay increase and then returned to his duty station in Europe. He has been telling his new wife that he would send for her where she could join him there. In the meanwhile though, she has access to his bank account which he always completely empties. He has not given her any money. Initially when he first returned he gave her some money, but now not any. Then he kept telling her just two more weeks. He told her to sell her car and quit her job because she was coming. She did this and now she is left jobless and carless, and he won't give her any money. She is living with relatives at the moment. This has been going on since July? She is 19 years old. What can she do?

It seems that there are certainly a lot of things going on here....much of it not good. Their marriage definitely needs some help that I am totally not qualified to give, BUT she does have some pressing issues that need to be addressed...and immediately. As the legal wife of a servicemember, she does have some rights and privileges. I would start looking for help at the lowest level, her husband's commander and then work her way up if she does not get any resolution or movement in the right direction.

• Contact her husband's company commander (the Captain usually) first by phone and also in writing. Explain exactly what is going on and see what he says. Then, if you get no response or attention, try his battalion commander(typically a Lieutenant Colonel). Give the commander a chance to fix what is wrong. Many don't know much about their soldier's private lives at all. If you strike out again....

• File an Inspector General (IG) complaint. This gets more people involved, beyond the unit.

• Notify your Congressman and do what's called a Congressional Inquiry. This thing is high powered and obviously if a Congressman gets involved, you can bet some heads are going to roll! When I was a commander, you had to respond to a Congressional within a certain timeframe...think it was something like 48 hours...and you'd better have a good answer why things are the way they are. I've seen many things resolved very quickly this way. I've also seen totally frivolous things as well that had nothing to do with the soldier. Use your best judgment here obviously. Even though you may be adverse to the contents of this site I'm going to send you to, it does have some good information on how to contact your congressman to file a complaint.

There are also a variety of places on the internet to read about your entitlements and benefits as a spouse. A good place that has all the links and sites in one spot is Military Spouse.org.

Does anyone else have any advice for this young lady besides to stay positive and that this too shall pass?

Ask VMW: How Does My Mom Get Her Part of the Retirement Check Sent to Her?

Today we have a reader question that I haven't addressed yet:

My mother and father are in the middle of a divorce. My father was in the army and receives a pension check. My mom was giving her portion of the check to my dad when they were together to help out with bills. Now that they are apart, she has not been getting it. We are in the state of Pennsylvania . Who does she contact to get her portion of the pension check sent to her?

Any retirement pay issues are handled through the Defense Finance and Accounting Service. These are the same guys who cut all our military paychecks in the system. Call the toll-free number below and explain your situation.

Annuity/Annuity New Accounts	Casualty/Retired/New Retired Accounts
Correspondence/Mailing Address: Defense Finance and Accounting Service US Military Annuitant Pay P.O. Box 7131 London, KY 40742-7131 Toll Free: 1-800-321-1080 Commercial: (216) 522-5955 FAX: 1-800-982-8459	Correspondence/Mailing Address: Defense Finance and Accounting Service US Military Retirement Pay P.O. Box 7130 London, KY 40742-7130 Toll Free : 1-800-321-1080 Commercial: (216) 522-5955 FAX: 1-800-469-6559

If your spouse is thinking of retiring and would like to know how to get going down that road and how much his retirement pay will be, read the military's Preparing for Retirement.

One nifty little feature is Ask Military Pay with questions from you and answers from them on every kind of military pay related question you can think of...and then when you can't find it, you can ask the question yourself. I found it very informative and easy to navigate.

Ask VMW: I Want to Have a Big Welcome Home Party for My Hubby!

I frequently get email from folks asking for help or advice. I guess that's just the nature of having a blog. But really, I don't mind, and I enjoy reading the emails. I typically just answer back in an email, but I thought now I would try to make it a regular post here on this blog. I figure, if one person had that question and wrote, maybe another person had it too, but doesn't want or feel like putting it into words. So here goes! I had a reader tell me her husband is in Iraq, going on five months now. He has a few months more to go. She has it in her mind that she wants to have a huge welcome home party, the day after he gets home. My opinion and thoughts on this? Be sure to add your own thoughts below too.

Let me start out by saying my husband has been deployed so many times...I have run out of fingers! He will go over 20 years of service next year, and we've been on this military train, at least together, over 15 years. I myself have been through LOTS of trial and error during (and after) those deployments. I've learned what works, what doesn't work, what is appreciated and what is downright counter-productive.

Most guys, on their way home, a thousand things are running through their minds. How will I react and feel when I see my wife and kids? They fear it won't be exactly the same everything was when they left home (it won't be). They worry about intimacy and getting back into the groove of everyday "normal" life. They tend to be a bit jumpy and nervous, because "over there", they constantly had to be on guard and aware of their surroundings. I'm reminded of a friend's husband who spent many weeks hitting the ground and taking cover every time he heard a car backfire. The guy even grabbed his wife around the throat when she tapped him on the shoulder one time when he didn't expect it.

When your husband comes home...he will be T-I-R-E-D. The first thing he will want to do is sleep, then more sleep. He will want some peace and quiet. He will want to spend time getting re-acquainted with his family. He will have to get integrated back into his life, literally. Some units even have forced re-integration training. The soldiers actually spend a few days getting counseled and assimilated between the time they leave the warzone and the time they get home to be with their families. It is that serious and necessary. I had another friend's husband, who literally drove like a bat out of hell, to the point of driving dangerously, and she refused to get in the vehicle with him after he got back. Why did he do this when he was such a careful driver before? Because "over there", they are taught to drive offensively, to get through areas quickly and to try to fly over IEDs (roadside bombs) and the like. Do you really think your husband can just turn off these survival instinct when he comes home?

With all this being said, is it a good idea to have a big welcome home party the day after he gets back? I think you already know my answer. And in case you don't..the answer is NO. He also doesn't want to travel and go to Disney World or Busch Gardens or wherever..he just wants to get in his warm and comfortable bed, get familiar again with his home and get to know his family again in that setting. He's been traveling for days and is in no mood to travel some more.

My tips for a homecoming and re-integration into family life:

• If you must have a big welcome home party, save it for the next week. Don't plan to have firecrackers or loud noises either. Be careful with the alcohol flow as well if you are going to have any at all. Remember, you are doing this for him...not for you.

• My husband's best welcome home was a front yard littered with American flags and a large sign welcoming him home, a quiet house with the opportunity for a LONG nap or series of naps and then a nice home-cooked meal. I actually found a yard sign company, like this one, to put out the flags. They appeared the morning of his arrival, and the nice lady kept out the decorations for a few extra days at no charge when she found out he was coming home from Iraq.
  

• We stayed put. I did not tell him we were going to Disney World, going on a long car ride or anything else I didn't sign him up for.

• Let you husband take the lead, if he so chooses. Don't pester him with questions. Feed him data on you and the kids and family in small bites. Don't overwhelm him with information. Hopefully, if you've been in email or phone contact, he is already up to speed with what little Johnny has been up to.

• Keep the noise levels down. Don't have the kids make loud noises, ie firecrackers and such and don't sneak up on him.

• Realize, that at first, intimacy may not be up to what you expected. Let's face it, the guy is just dead tired, so will act accordingly. Things also won't magically start up again where you left off..usually. That's what I love about deployments. It's sort of like a honeymoon again and you kind of have to work your way back from being apart so long.

• Realize that your husband may have issues with you being in charge. You just spent x number of months, running the household and finances completely by yourself. He may not get that...or want to accept your independence. You need to sit down and talk with him and say what duties you'd like to keep (such as paying the bills) and what you would like him to take over. Try to do this gradually and don't throw a list at him. I typically run our finances all the time..it's just easier for us with his constant coming and going.
  

• Along those same lines, don't whip out a honey-do list, right when he comes home. Let him at least enjoy his first few weeks! Talk about this stuff gradually too. Mention that the back deck needs restaining, but don't mention yet another thing that needs work in the same breath. Besides, being as independent as you were, you should've been able to accomplish many of these things yourselves. It's important to foster a good relationship with your neighbors, fellow church members and friends, so they can help you out, or at least teach you about some of these basic household maintenance tasks. I always have good neighbors who come when I need something, but I also try to get them to show me how to do a task, so I can do it next time on my own. Many folks take pride in teaching others....give them that opportunity.

I guess I've written more than a mouthful. Obviously, there's more to be thought about at homecoming than just parties and celebrating. These are just some things you might want to keep in mind! Do you have any tips to add of your own?