How Do You Help a New Widow?

As much as I hate this topic, I feel I have to at least touch upon it. At one point or another, as a military wife, you will know someone who has just lost their spouse. It helps to have an idea beforehand, how you can help and assist to make that widow's life just a little bit easier.

After the official military notification, you should think about becoming a part of the group of ladies who will help this widow. It is important that you not make any calls, visit or do anything until you know the unit has officially notified her. I know a wife who found out the roundabout way by phone gossip, that her husband was mortally injured. Please, please don't be a part of something like that. Play it safe and wait until you know they've been notified.

Your first call should be to your unit's family readiness group. Many units also have casualty assistance teams already in place. Know who your point of contact is...before the trouble starts..another good reason to attend an FRG meeting. In our previous units, our FRG would run sign-up lists to run errands, babysit, cook meals, or stand in as chauffeur. We would sign up to take meals, just go over and sit with the widow, do laundry, clean house, run errands, answer the phone and that kind of thing. Typically, the company commander or battalion commander's wife will take the lead on this.

If you know her well, just show up at her door with food that can be frozen or coordinate with other wives who will bring over dinner on whatever days and just let the wife know dinner is coming. We also made sure the refrigerator and pantry were full of snacks and drinks, especially if there were little ones. Most widows I know just wanted to sleep. We watched the kids and answered the phone...they absolutely didn't want to talk to anyone. We picked up relatives from the airport. We also had the chaplain with us when we first went over (after the commander and his team did the official notification...it's important that no one say anything or go over til this is done). The chaplain would also make regular visits. Take your cues from the wife and her state of being...she may need more or less company. You'll know if she wants to be hugged or just sat with or just left alone to sleep, knowing her children are safe and being watched. Sometimes this can go on for weeks. I once rotated with other wives, cooking, babysitting and cleaning for almost three months...we were worn out, but we felt it was our duty and knew that this would be something that would make our life easier if it was us instead of her, so we just did it!

What has been your own experience? How do you try to help out?