Gonna Be a Commander's Wife?

We've all had an encounter with at least one - a higher ranking NCO or officer's wife who literally wore her husband's rank. She was the one who came waltzing into the office, expecting all the soldiers to jump. She also comes to every function and interjects herself in about five different ways. She is someone you obviously don't need to emulate, lest you become the most disliked or talked about couple in the unit, because yes, it will reflect negatively on your husband and his time in command.

Remember, you and your husband will be under the microscope..the higher the command, the bigger the magnifying glass! Even if your spouse is about to take a squad or platoon, it would be good sense to follow these tips. This is your chance to have a positive impact on peoples' lives, to do good and to be remembered. I still remember myself, and can actually say some of these ladies have influenced my lives...that's some heady stuff.


Be prepared, don't go into this blind and make a positive impact. Follow these tips:

• Focus on people and building relationships; everything else will follow, including the paperwork, because people will be more inclined to participate if they know you are genuine and WANT to get to know them.
  

• Do what you are good at and delegate the rest; You've heard this a million time...can't do it all by yourself, and you shouldn't want to.
  

• Be a team together with your Command Sergeant Major's wife; again, don't work alone; CSMs wives have for the most part, been with the Army forever and they can be a great friend, sounding board and just a shoulder to lean on when you are clueless or things start getting tough.
  

• Get the commander's and Command Sergeant Majors couples together once a month or quarter, preferably, in your home (have a dinner and a small gift for each if you like); this will build camaraderie.

• Let the ladies in your unit know that you don't have your "stuff" 100% together; no one does; tell them "I need you"; use me and I'll use you; stand "with them" rather than "above them".
  

• Share responsibility, and you'll get more participation and willingness to help.

For your Family Readiness Group (FRG) events:

• Invite higher ups to come to events; most love coming to visit, and it gives you a chance to set up a connection with that higher-up spouse who can be a wealth of information and also will support you when you need help.

• Pull in as many enlisted spouses as you can; have events that aren't so stuffy, like coffees; include the kids or provide for babysitting (which can be arranged free at most CDCs on post). They have to realize you put on your pants the same way they do.
  

• Realize that some of these spouses will be worn out, so give them some grace; don't pester them but do check up on them to see how they are doing and to see if they need anything. We will all need a break now and then, and just know that THIS IS OKAY.
  

• Be sure to visit Military One Source; lots of resources can be found there.
  

• Be sure the spouses know when you are available; many of us work, homeschool or have young children; if you let them know the best times to call you or stop by, they'll be more inclined to do so at those times; you don't want to constantly hear the phone ringing; it interrupts your day, you'll get resentful, which is bad...and get nothing done in the process.
  

Some other things to keep in mind and maybe share with your commander or Command Sergeant Major husband:

• The command team sets the tone for the unit; Stress family time, being home for dinner and time with family on weekends (soldiers will watch what the command does, and if they constantly stay late at the office, they will feel obligated to do that too...this breeds resentment); I had a high ranking general tell me that if things weren't getting done during the workday, then you are doing things wrong; obviously, there are exceptions here and there, especially right before a deployment, but we have to remember the old rules of the Army are gone; focusing on family along with unit readiness are the top priorities.

While we were at the command prep course at Ft Leavenworth, we had a commanding general share a story of him telling the Chief of Staff of the Army, that he was going to leave a conference early to go back home and trick-or-treat with his kids. It was that important to him, and the chief did not bat an eyelash...just told him to go back and do what he needed to get done. That took some heart...I guess that's why he is a general I'm thinking. This general also said, get about 70% done and let the other 30% go. You have to find a balance in life. It's easy to train, train, train, but if you don't have a balance between your family and your work...you really have nothing. I thought that was well said and hope to run into more commanders who feel this way!

If you have any stories or tips to share, please post them!